10 Things I Will [not] Miss About Flip or Flop

If you live in a cave that doesn’t get HGTV, you may not have seen the show Flip or Flop or heard that the hosts Tarek and Christina are splitting up – as is the show. A travesty for home flipping show viewers everywhere, I know. For those of you who are familiar with the nicely tanned hosts with the whitest teeth I’ve ever seen, here are 10 ways these two hosts metaphorically touched my life. In ways I don’t want to metaphorically be touched again…

  1. Staged family time. Chip and Joanna do this too but it doesn’t seem as forced. Either way, it’s annoying filler and it needs to go away.
  2. When Christina holds up the cell phone for Tarek to talk into it while they’re in the car. I swear the woman set woman’s rights back 20 years every time she did that.
  3. Tarek pretending he couldn’t possibly have expected to spend so much money on the bad foundation and un-permitted addition that had to have been caught when his home inspector did a run through. Surprised not surprised!
  4. Tarek pretending that he doesn’t want to spend the money he needs to in order to make the kitchen uh-mazing. Literally every show Christina insists they have to spend a crap-ton of money on the kitchen. After she says this Tarek will pause, make a fake/pained face and the show goes to a commercial break. How will he respond? Will he say, “Bitch please! You think we have that kind of money just sitting in the back of our Escalade?” Back to the show and Tarek sadly sags his head like a scolded Labrador and says, “You’re right. If we want to make money on this house, we have to make the kitchen great.” Weird.
  5. I will miss asking my husband, “Do these people ever get totally screwed over on a house? They have to have bought some money pit where they lost thousands and had to go crawling to Christina’s daddy for more money, right?”
  6. The scenes where Tarek and Christina are working so hard on tiling and demoing and redoing the hardwood floors and … oh, right… also not true.
  7. How 99% of the houses they flip end up painted gray on the outside and white modern kitchens on the inside. These guys are true originals and their flips have about as much character as the hosts’ personalities.
  8. The people who come see the houses at the end of the show. Because these are serious buyers’ people. The family of 5 who come to check out the 1500 square foot, 2 bedroom house? Totally serious buyers. The 20 year-old dude with maybe his mom or extremely older girlfriend/sister? They’ve totally been pre-qualified to buy that $850,000 house.
  9. The cameos on other HGTV shows where Tarek and Christina come on as “experts.” For some reason, despite the thousands of dollars they’ve made on flipping homes and the thousands of dollars they’ve made off this stupid show, I just really have a hard time seeing them as experts on anything besides nice hair and white teeth.
  10. Ok, the thing I will really miss the most though is Tarek’s pointy elf hair. It’s not douchy enough that you make your wife hold your cell phone for you in the car, but you have to have douche hair too?

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