A couple weeks ago Trump’s minions posted a survey regarding the “fake news media” to get a pulse on whether people thought it was Trump or the media lying to them. So of course I took it upon myself to honestly (and maybe maliciously) answer the poll. In retaliation though, #45’s team has now added me to their marketing list (silent scream). They have possibly done this just so Trump could brag, “I have the biggest email list any president has ever had. The list is huge. Nobody has a list like I do. SAD!”

Now I am #blessed with daily emails from Trump’s team. So what’s on Trump’s mind you ask (besides pussy and Putin)? Well, take a gander…

 

Day 1: Today’s email from “Trump Headquarters” would like me to share my opinion in an “Approval Poll.” They want my opinion rather than the opinion of “the fake news media.” (Italics theirs.) The poll questions are nicely framed to inflate Trump’s ego; How do I rate Trump’s first Congressional Address, Which issues did he best articulate, Do I feel like Trump is delivering on his campaign promises… And then, of course, upon submission of the survey, you are sent to a Trump donation site. Unfortunately, the only donation options were monetary – there were no options to donate a few extra brains to the cause.

Day 2: This one features a picture of #45 and the ego-induced quote, “…the chorus became an earthquake, and the people turned out, by the tens of millions, and they were all united by one very simple but crucial demand – that America must put its own citizens first. Because only then can we truly Make America Great Again.” Why does the man speak like he’s reading from the bible? Because I’m pretty sure he’s never read the bible. The words in it are too big.

Day 3: While the last two emails came from “Trump Headquarters,” this email came directly from #45 himself! Of all of the tens of people who support Trump, he chose to send this personal note to me. Such an honor. This email is dedicated to the Democrats who are “obstructing” the approval of the Republican-picked cabinet. Well to be fair, I think we’re at capacity on psychotic morons in the government at this point. If there’s a quota on how many idiots the government needs to hire, I think we’ve more than covered our bases.

Day 4: Guess what? There is a new Executive Order on immigration – possibly because the first one was a cluster fuck. I am confident this one will be muuuuuuuch better though. And to that point, I should sign my name on the “official petition to show YOUR support for this critical national security policy.” And as I already know, “…the media will do everything in their power to attack and distort this policy that America so desperately needs.” These people are broken fucking records.

 Day 5: They need me again. Boy, this guy is helpless without me. #45 is concerned about the fact that 16 senators (including Bernie Sanders) introduced a bill to stop the latest Executive Order on immigration. Trump is looking for 280,000 more American citizens to show their support and as one of his “top supporters” (how did they know!?) he’s “turning to [me] first.” I must say, I’m excited to save my country from people like Bernie Sanders – he’s like Steve Bannon on cardiac arrest. Bernie is a very bad hombre.

Day 6: Breaking news people. The Super PAC that backed Hilary and Obama is trying to thwart the president’s agenda. I know! I never saw that one coming. #45 is concerned that these special interests are making it their “sole mission to derail the Trump Presidency and lie about our platform.” Wait, I thought it was just the media who was doing that. Now the special interests are jumping on that bandwagon too? Then hellz yeah I’m going to donate money to the Trump cause to stop these horrible nice people as they try to save the world from a maniacal, Twitter-obsessed, misspelling moron.

Day 7: Well this is refreshing. An email that’s not begging for my help. Instead they kindly provided me with a list of all the uh-mazing things #45 has done in his first month of office. Or should we just say, the things Trump is trying to take credit for that had nothing to do with him? Among his “accomplishments”:

• 235,000 jobs added to the economy in February

Call me crazy, but there’s probably a teeeeeeensy chance this is trickle over from the 11.3M jobs Obama created in his tenure.

• 40% fewer illegal immigrants crossed the border

Again, I could totally be wrong here, but I could it be that illegal immigrants are no longer interested in coming to the US and are heading to Canada instead?

• “Billions of dollars will be invested here in the United States by businesses that are encouraged by President Trump’s economic policies”

So when they say “businesses” they mean all businesses but Trump’s, right?

Day 8: Today Trump wants me to provide input on HIS budget. That’s right. Trump is now looking to me to decide the budget for the whole U.S. of fucking A. The man is so clueless and over his head that he needs someone like me to tell him how to budget. If that’s not terrifying, you should see my credit card statements. Because they’re a fairly open book on how I handle my finances. And here I thought Trump and I didn’t have anything in common…

Day 9: Ohmygodohmygodohmygod! I’ve got the chance to win dinner with the Donald Trump himself. All expenses paid! (By the tax payers.) This opportunity just requires a minimal donation. The fact that they literally called this a “contest” concerns me. If I win, do I show up with 24 other people who vie for Trump’s attention and in the end the constituent of his choice gets to run the country for him while he vacations in Mar-a-lago?

Day 10: Soul… crushed. Reading Trump emails has… killed my faith in humanity. Someone! Please send me old Obama correspondence. Quickly. Before it all goes dark. Fading… fading… and I’m gone.