Since this scrumtrulescent virus continues to keep us from living our #bestlives and we’ll be stuck at home for the foreseeable future, I have decided to sell some personal items that I’m no longer using. It’s amazing how little you need when you are home 24/7 and only leave the house to go to the grocery store, to restaurants, to close friends houses, and to the gym (but I swear other than that, I’m totally always most of the time at home). But just because I don’t need these things anymore doesn’t mean someone else can’t benefit from them. So here is your early access preview of the amazing things I’m offering for sale.

Items for sale:

1) Dress clothes (Full lot): This is about ½ of my closet, so it includes a large variety of shirts, dress pants, sweaters, and shoes for all 4 seasons and any occasion. Some articles of clothing are well-loved while others have just been stared at longingly while I sit in my closet hiding from my children.

2) Various hair styling tools: All of these items have been used, but when you look at the proportion of actual usage time to total tool age, it’s like buying a 2016 model with 10,000 miles on it that’s been used by a little old lady who wore her hair up 90% of the time.

3) Jeans: Boot cut, skinny leg, capris, ankle jeans…I’ve got so many jeans in my closet it looks like I plundered a Levi’s pop up store. But in reality, I was really just the victim of an extremely persuasive salesperson who told me I looked amazing in everything they brought to my dressing room. Those dressing room mirrors may emphasize the craggiest of my wrinkles but they make my ass look on point.

4) Bras: Ok, calm down. I know it’s gross to wear someone else’s bras and I don’t want anybody to buy them. Honestly, I’m just excited that there is one positive thing COVID has done for my life. Once I started to understand the true ramifications of a global pandemic, I dropped wearing bras faster than Taylor Swift releases hit singles. As soon as the Governor said “Stay at home order,” I took all of my bras and cut those fuckers into tiny pieces, stomped on them numerous times in the dirt, and gave them to a rabid dog to eat and subsequently poop out.

5) Speaking of things I don’t use anymore which nobody wants… Make up and hair brushes: COVID has opened up a whole new world of frumpery for me. A week or so after the country shut down, my work Zoom meetings started to resemble What Not to Wear episodes – and I’m not referring to the “after” reveal. People showed up naked faced, ponytailed, scruffy bearded, and frumpy sweatered out. Now I’m back to my college days where I could roll out of bed 15 minutes before class, brush my teeth, run my fingers through my hair and consider myself groomed. The slightly minor difference being that at my age I can’t pull this off anymore – but also at my age I just don’t care.

6) Napkins (New in box): So we ended up with kind of a surplus of napkins. We bought a bunch when we were running low on toilet paper and napkins were the only thing we could find. But now the kids, the husband, and I hang out in our individual Costco toilet paper forts and just wipe our hands on our clothes making napkins kind of obsolete for us. I promise they are clean and still in the original packaging. Don’t get all grossed out and act like I tried to sell you used bras or something.

7) Sanity: I’m offering a smoking deal on this one since it’s pretty used and doesn’t work well. I think it’s probably broken, but a friend told me they sell adapters for it which could fix the problem (something called “therapy”). I just don’t want to spend more money on it than I already have. Those adapters are expensive and I’m pretty sure my kids will break it once it’s fixed anyway.