In the spirit of hotlines for turkey cooking, I’ve compiled a list of common questions and answers for folks who just need help with Turkey Day (and maybe even life) in general.

 

Question: I couldn’t find any oven bags. Can I use a regular plastic garment bag cover from the cleaners to bake my turkey and it melted to the turkey?

Answer: Hmmmm, I’m hazarding a guess that you may not want to do that. Most manufacturers don’t even recommend putting food-safe plastic in the oven. I would say it’s up to you, but I’m thinking giving you free-reign to make that decision is probably not the best idea. Let’s say no to the garment bag turkey as cool as it sounds.

Question: I’m already drunk from stress drinking and nobody has even arrived yet. Should I start drinking coffee now to sober up or just roll with this and pass out as soon as dinner is served?

Answer: I’m pretty sure nobody cares where you are as long as the food is on the table, so down that bottle sister.

Question: The millennials at the table keep saying things like “woke” to the septuagenarians at the table and are receiving blank stares and silence. Is this normal?

Answer: Yes. Just ignore the millennials. They’re used to it.

Question: All of the children under age 18 are glued to their tablets watching YouTube videos. If I hear “Helllllllooooooo, this is Stampy” one more time or have to hear about another un-boxing video I might make them all watch Weird Al Yankovic un-boxing his 2015 Grammy on permanent loop.

Answer: It seems you have your answer. You may need to tie the kids down or lock the door wherever you are playing the permanent loop video though. Kids tend not to do what they’re told I hear.

Question: I made about 50 dishes that don’t fit in the refrigerator. Can I just store them outside if it’s below 65 degrees?

Answer: Sure – if someone gets sick from food poisoning, that just ensures you don’t have to host or cook for a family function ever again. That’s a win-win in my book.

Question: Of the 50 dishes I made, 4 were tucked behind the milk and the Britta filter in the refrigerator and we forgot them completely. So now I have enough creamed corn, Brussels Sprouts, canned cranberries, and pistachio pudding to last until the apocalypse. Is it ok to feed my Toy Terrier this crap until it’s gone?

Answer: That depends. Do you like your dog?

Question: My house is clean for the first time in maybe… 10 years. Is it ok to yell at my relatives like an OCD Nazi if they don’t use coasters or attempt to eat while standing up? And would it be weird to follow people around with a Dirt Devil? I mean, ok – I know it would be kind of weird, but would it really be that weird? People get it, right?

Answer: Totally. Just don’t be surprised when, come December, you receive about 10 vacuum cleaners from your friends and relatives.

Question: My turkey is still frozen and we plan to deep fry it. Won’t the hot oil thaw the turkey out if we just throw it in now? I figured we would cook it in the garage – we’ve got a space by the water heater that should work perfectly.

Answer: Yes! The subsequent fire and explosion that you start via the frozen / hot oil combination will surely cook that turkey.

Question: My little sister invited my ex to dinner because she “felt bad” for him after he called her sobbing, “I don’t understand why she broke up with me. I only cheated on her once. Is that a crime?” Am I allowed to throw them both out as long as I give them a couple McDonald’s gift cards? I mean, I’m not completely heartless. They gotta eat.

Answer: Maybe a Chili’s gift card would be a little less heartless?

Question: If the turkey slides off the pan and onto the floor and nobody is around to see it, does it actually happen?

Answer: This is one of those philosophical questions of knowledge vs reality. Perhaps what we should really be considering is the division between perceptions of an object and how the object really exists. If the turkey falls outside everyone’s perception, then does it really exist? On the other hand, I say fuck it. Just serve that bird up like a boss.