I Am Totally Better At Shit Than My Kid

My husband is good at everything he does. Probably because he never gives up on anything. Even if what he is attempting is futile (like getting me to go to the gym with him), if he’s determined to make it happen he’ll be at it for 8 hours before he’s done trying. So fine – perseverance pays off and makes you good at shit.

Me on the other hand… I pretty much suck at all sports, I can’t fix anything, and I am horrible at helping people. (Seriously, I think I make things worse when I try to help people. You need me to deliver a meal because you’re in the hospital and can’t cook? No worries! Here is your half-cooked, yet burnt casserole.) It doesn’t necessarily make me feel bad that my husband is better than me at things though. I’ve known my whole life that I’m fairly useless. So you know, it is what it is. But the occasional proof that I can actually do something well can result is some good feels.

And now there is someone who sucks at everything more than I do! My son. When we play soccer or basketball or whatever, I’m wiping the floor with his ass. I’m like, “Look at me. I am totally good at this game suddenly. How awesome am I?” Hey, it’s not like I’m saying it to his face. That would be wrong. Thinking it though. Totally not wrong.

We recently acquired a basketball hoop and my son enjoys messing around on the “court” – not by actually playing basketball but instead, throwing the basketball onto the roof and seeing if he can throw it over the house. Because that’s why we bought the basketball hoop. Yeah…

Anyway, in between throwing balls over the house, he’ll spend a couple minutes playing one on one with me. So I’ll try to whip out my skillz and throw some basketball moves in his face and show him how many shots I can make. He’s short though, so he’s fucked. I make basket after basket and my poor son tries so hard to maybe make one shot out of ten. Now I’m realizing why he plays the “throw the ball over the house” game.

But this is great for me. I get to be good at something finally! I sucked at stuff as a kid because I was competing against other kids my age. I sucked as an adult for the same reason. But now I can feel like I’m good at something finally. This is one of the reasons why we have kids – right? So we can finally be good at shit! I’m totally all for this.

But then my husband gets home and he joins in the game. Which means I’m only second best again. Damn over-achiever.


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