What is that? A Rolodex? Never heard of it. What do you do with it? Is it a paper weight? It has contacts in it? Why? What’s a “business card?”…

I’m pretty quick to pick up on technology. I work for a software company so I somewhat need to know my shit. My husband acts like I’m his personal IT professional just because I know the difference between a PC and a Mac. (I continue to tell him is a highly misguided assumption, but to no avail). And because I’m constantly around technology, I’m used to just picking up on whatever new trend is out there even if I don’t adopt it.

But for some reason my Rolodex is still a permanent fixture on my desk. I do have a contact list on my iPhone, but it’s annoying. It’s always uploading random work contacts because my phone syncs with my work computer – so I’m continually scrolling through a bazillion names to get to the one I want. And then Skype will throw in some random contact info that I don’t need. But my trusty Rolodex never changes unless I make it change. (By the way, I may have some control issues to work through.)

There are other things I refuse to get rid of in the name of technology. Like a landline. Ok, not completely archaic yet, but soon to be. Most people just rely on their cell phones nowadays (look at that, I just said “nowadays” – it’s worse than I thought). What is the point of a home phone # when you always have your cell phone on you? I’ll tell you the point. All those asshole politicians who want to send you guided voice mails, all those sales people you are hoping to avoid, all those dimwits you meet at the bar who ask for your number and you’re not quite sure if you’re into them or not – this is why they invented the landline. I listen to that thing ring all day long and try to figure out how many times they’ll call before they give up.

What else? Oh, yeah – my files! I have files! Taxes from 10 years ago, manuals from baby shit we gave away 5 years ago, paycheck stubs from various companies that don’t exist anymore, credit card bills from back when my limit was $500. Plus, anything that seems sentimental or cute goes in a file for my “scrapbook” which I have yet to put together. So when people want to look at my scrapbook (and trust me, they are lining up at the door to do this), they’ll have to look through my file. I have to brag – I may be the only person doing anything this forward-thinking with their scrapbooks. But seriously. Who has time to scan all that crap? And then organize a system on the computer for where it all goes so that I’ll actually remember how to find it? Fuck that shit. It’s going in the file folder!

And I really can’t leave out my absolute favorite item in my home office. My solar-powered, basic function calculator. I’ve had this calculator for 16 years now. Yes – I’m old. But it’s a fucking champ! I can’t even hold onto a car for 16 years but boy do I ever have a 16 year-old calculator. My kids love playing with it too for some reason. When I won’t let them play on the iPad or watch TV, for some crazy-ass reason the calculator is their go-to. It’s like the closest thing they can get to an electronic item – because as you’re all aware – without electronics, children shrivel up and die.

All in all, I guess my belongings are not that archaic. But I still look at things some days and think, “Why the fuck do I still have this?” And then I remind myself about the impending Zombie Apocalypse. As soon as shit goes down, I will be scrolling through my Rolodex to find the nearest gun dealer, then I’ll grab my file folder full of old manuals so I can figure out how to cobble together a remote control humidifier / IKEA office chair so I can drive around blowing zombie brains everywhere. While this is happening, all ya’ll will be using your super high-speed phones to facebook everyone about the zombie clawing its way into your garage. Good luck with that.