They call me into the office. I know it’s serious. They say my performance has not met their expectations. They tell me I haven’t been on task and I consistently deliver late. They mention that I frequently seem distracted. They’re putting me on probation and may have to fire me if my performance doesn’t improve. Then I tell them to screw off and to go make their beds.

If my kids gave me an annual performance review, it would probably sound something like that. There would be some good peer feedback from friends who see me momming appropriately in public. But for those in the confines of our home, they know the real truth. I absolutely don’t know what the fuck I’m doing.

Some days I feel like I’m better at my paid job than I am at being a mom. Which kind of makes sense since I’ve been in the same career for over 15 years. 15 years of doing basically the same thing day after day including some weekends and holidays. When it comes to kids though, I started about 8 years ago and the job changes every damn day. I have two direct reports who never do what I tell them, they demand pay regardless of whether they actually work or not, and it’s highly likely that they are embezzling Goldfish crackers without management’s knowledge. What was I thinking when I interviewed for this job?

 It makes me think that participating in a kid internship before I became a mom would have helped my performance tremendously. Wouldn’t six months of practice raising a child put me in a better position for this type of career?

And I’m not talking about an internship where they give you an egg and you attempt to “raise” it with a partner. Because accidentally dropping an egg doesn’t get you 2 to 20 for child-endangerment. Interns would actually borrow someone’s real, live infant (preferably one with colic… and chronic acid reflux… oh, and bottle aversion) and try before they buy. I think this would completely solve over-population, homelessness, world hunger, and deter Trump from running for president. Ok, you’re right. That last one is probably not going to happen but I’m dreaming here so we’re going to let it fly.

 And once the internship is over, you can choose to take on a full-time position or move on to another career choice. Simple as that. Just something to think about though – choosing another career will probably pay more and have better hours plus vacation time. But I suppose there are people out there who enjoy working for non-profits and want to dedicate their lives to helping others who treat them like crap.